Words

Well it's been a long time, hiding behind people, and i am intending to do this as long as i feel comfortable. I find it hard to express myself,  and typing out seems easier. I remembering bringing out my dog for a walk, and when people approaches me to talk, the conversation might start and end abruptly when i choose to walk away. I just have high anxiety talking to people, strangers or in a crowd. I wasn't like this before but slowly i became more and more quiet.

What is the latest topic that people are talking about? What should I say to this and that person? Many invisible air bubbles are above my head, but in the end, i said none. I kept quiet all the time. I pretty much wanted to open up, or crack a few jokes and make people laugh but I still can't do it.

Living a quiet life is something that i enjoyed yet it can get dull sometimes. My friend once told me that it is important to learn to get used to loneliness, and i am still learning it now. I believe that when happiness and joy is shared, it becomes double. When sadness or sorrow is shared, it becomes halved. That's the beautiful connection between friends.

The thing is I will only be talkative when i am in my bipolar manic phase, and bipolar relapse is a scary period for me, because i can't control what i say or do. It can bring embarrassment later on, and i realized that this time, the recovery was even harder. At the end of the day, i decided that i should keep my life as simple as possible. Let words be replaced by actions and smiles.

Meanwhile, i must also still learn to speak up for myself, or the people i love.